That's what I am these days, a work in progress. I keep thinking "baby steps, baby steps". I'm doing better than I once was but am far from where I want to be. I'm concerned that maybe I'm not on the best medicine and that to increase what I'm on isn't what's needed and may even make things worse. And, of course, with every change that gets made, it's "o.k., let's try this for 4 weeks and see how things go." Very, very slow, difficult process.
Mornings are awful, gets better in the afternoons and by the time I go to bed, it's bearable. Good grief. I HATE depression!!
Well, I consider this post a "baby step". I began going on Facebook again a few weeks ago, first just looking then posting a status or two. And now, I've gotten back on here for the first time in weeks. One thing that I keep thinking to myself is that scripture in Philippians where it says to be anxious for nothing but in everything through prayer and supplication with thanksgiving (that's the hard part in times like these) let your requests be made known to God... Honestly, there are some days that I haven't been able to do even that but on the days that I am able to, I do give thanks for what I've been blessed with and just pour my heart out to Him about the rest. And just keep on waiting.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
taking a break
I'll be taking a break from posting for a while. Am really struggling with depression. Have contacted dr. and he's increased dosage but, really, I feel worse than I did at lower dosage. So, is it the increased medicine that's making it worse? Or would I be even worse off than now, if the dosage hadn't increased? And, of course, everything takes time. It's been a week now but he says to give it at least two, which I already know.
I feel like I've been trying to get meds "right" all summer and now school's starting back up and I go back to work next Monday. Thank God it's part-time.
I'm terribly worried about M going back to school in light of the desertion of so many of her friends. But this feeling that I have goes way beyond worried, and in the dumps. It's this new empty feeling where nothing seems to make me feel good that is so scary.
Today is a tiny bit better than yesterday. There was no way I could've even done this yesterday. Literally, not one thing brought up any real feeling at all. Very scary. J's been out of town this week and that makes it even worse.
I find myself hoping against hope that maybe I'm physically ill somehow because then I would hopefully get better. If it's just the way you "feel", you get afraid that you'll never "feel" any different.
Anyway, hopefully, I'll feel better soon. There are way too many people and things depending on me to have this going on and it's just way too disorienting.
I feel like I've been trying to get meds "right" all summer and now school's starting back up and I go back to work next Monday. Thank God it's part-time.
I'm terribly worried about M going back to school in light of the desertion of so many of her friends. But this feeling that I have goes way beyond worried, and in the dumps. It's this new empty feeling where nothing seems to make me feel good that is so scary.
Today is a tiny bit better than yesterday. There was no way I could've even done this yesterday. Literally, not one thing brought up any real feeling at all. Very scary. J's been out of town this week and that makes it even worse.
I find myself hoping against hope that maybe I'm physically ill somehow because then I would hopefully get better. If it's just the way you "feel", you get afraid that you'll never "feel" any different.
Anyway, hopefully, I'll feel better soon. There are way too many people and things depending on me to have this going on and it's just way too disorienting.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
different kind of visit
I spent all day yesterday cleaning out C's old room making it into a cozy guest room for K, my sister, who arrives from Georgia today. She and her two precious boys were here just a few weeks ago for a purely pleasure visit and it was wonderful. This visit, however, is different because we have an agenda. The agenda is my father. Since Mom passed away two years ago from leukemia (still seems so surreal, especially when I see it put so matter of factly in writing), Dad's aloneness and health weighs very heavily on me.
He suffers from something called, of all things, Binswanger's Disease. It's a type of vascular dementia caused from years and years of ridiculously high blood pressure. It's a rare disease because most people's high blood pressure responds well to medication but Dad has been on as many as 3 different meds at a time to control his. And, his weight. He's been heavy most of his life and that further exacerbates (sp?) the problem. To further muck it all up is his vision. He's legally blind in one eye and over the last few years, has lost more and more vision in his "good" eye.
But the thing is, he's only 73 and the "dementia" has affected things only a daughter very close to him would know. Things like paying bills, keeping up with dr. appts., which medicine's for what, things like that. Well, it's also wierdly affected his mobility, too. He gets around very slowly. Way harder on me than his health, though, is his aloneness. He doesn't have any friends to speak of, he was one of those guys who worked, worked, worked. Mom had her church friends and Dad mostly had his job associates. So now, he's just there, in the house, day in and day out. Whatever socializing he does, apart from one monthly function at a nearby church, involves me and my family. So, like I said, it weighs pretty heavy on me.
That's why my sister, who is 6 years younger than me, and I am very close to, is coming in. She, Dad and I are going to visit a couple of senior living facilities that offer independent living as well as assisted, if and when the time comes. I'm pretty nervous about it because even though Dad says he's o.k. with visiting them, I have no idea how he really feels and I'm afraid that everyone else will be ancient, that it will cost more than Dad will be willing to spend, and, plus, who wants to go and do something like that with their father? I mean, yuck.
So, that, as well as going through a lot more of the accumulated stuff over at Dad's house will be what this visit will be all about. It'll be great to see her again but very different. Just part of getting older, I suppose.
He suffers from something called, of all things, Binswanger's Disease. It's a type of vascular dementia caused from years and years of ridiculously high blood pressure. It's a rare disease because most people's high blood pressure responds well to medication but Dad has been on as many as 3 different meds at a time to control his. And, his weight. He's been heavy most of his life and that further exacerbates (sp?) the problem. To further muck it all up is his vision. He's legally blind in one eye and over the last few years, has lost more and more vision in his "good" eye.
But the thing is, he's only 73 and the "dementia" has affected things only a daughter very close to him would know. Things like paying bills, keeping up with dr. appts., which medicine's for what, things like that. Well, it's also wierdly affected his mobility, too. He gets around very slowly. Way harder on me than his health, though, is his aloneness. He doesn't have any friends to speak of, he was one of those guys who worked, worked, worked. Mom had her church friends and Dad mostly had his job associates. So now, he's just there, in the house, day in and day out. Whatever socializing he does, apart from one monthly function at a nearby church, involves me and my family. So, like I said, it weighs pretty heavy on me.
That's why my sister, who is 6 years younger than me, and I am very close to, is coming in. She, Dad and I are going to visit a couple of senior living facilities that offer independent living as well as assisted, if and when the time comes. I'm pretty nervous about it because even though Dad says he's o.k. with visiting them, I have no idea how he really feels and I'm afraid that everyone else will be ancient, that it will cost more than Dad will be willing to spend, and, plus, who wants to go and do something like that with their father? I mean, yuck.
So, that, as well as going through a lot more of the accumulated stuff over at Dad's house will be what this visit will be all about. It'll be great to see her again but very different. Just part of getting older, I suppose.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
bout of the black dog
In on of my many different blog descriptions, I mentioned that I have struggled over the years with depression. I loved the comment from fellow blogger, jane, when she said that she had been having a bout of the black dog lately also (why is it that brits can make even depression sound romantic?!)
Anyway, things are looking up somewhat and in a bizarre way, I think it's due to a yucky side effect of a new medicine I'm on, Abilify. Turns out that I'm one of the 8% of patients who experience the side effect of "akathisia" which Wikipedia describes as "a syndrome characterized by an unpleasant sensation of inner restlessness that manifests itself with an inability to sit still or remain motionless..." I blogged late one night about not being able to sleep, wondering if it was due to a new dosage of thyroid medication (yes, I'm quite a mess aren't I?) but now think it's related to the Abilify. I really thought I was losing it, couldn't figure out why I couldn't sleep, didn't enjoy reading anymore, and always felt antsy. After I did some research on Abilify, and came across that term "inner restlessness", I figured out what was going on, called my dr. and stopped taking it a couple of days ago.
So why are things maybe looking up? Well, for me, depression goes hand in hand with a feeling of being easily overwhelmed by things that I could handle easily before, like, for example, maintaining a fairly orderly home. I've really let things slide in that regard over the past few months and since I'm one of those people who function best in a well-ordered environment, it has been difficult. However, with this new restlessness that I'm experiencing comes an inability to sit and do nothing, so I decided to at least have something to show for all this freneticism and have begun cleaning out kitchen cabinets like nobody's business! I've found all sorts of things that I thought had mysteriously disappeared, the cabinets are looking great, and hopefully I'll be a more cheerful dinner maker in a more organized space.
My doctor told me that the akathisia should go away in 3 to 4 days. I'm just hoping that I can get the kitchen finished before I lose this new-found energy and maybe the fact that I've made some forward progress will keep me motivated to keep on going with the organizing. I'll keep you posted!
Anyway, things are looking up somewhat and in a bizarre way, I think it's due to a yucky side effect of a new medicine I'm on, Abilify. Turns out that I'm one of the 8% of patients who experience the side effect of "akathisia" which Wikipedia describes as "a syndrome characterized by an unpleasant sensation of inner restlessness that manifests itself with an inability to sit still or remain motionless..." I blogged late one night about not being able to sleep, wondering if it was due to a new dosage of thyroid medication (yes, I'm quite a mess aren't I?) but now think it's related to the Abilify. I really thought I was losing it, couldn't figure out why I couldn't sleep, didn't enjoy reading anymore, and always felt antsy. After I did some research on Abilify, and came across that term "inner restlessness", I figured out what was going on, called my dr. and stopped taking it a couple of days ago.
So why are things maybe looking up? Well, for me, depression goes hand in hand with a feeling of being easily overwhelmed by things that I could handle easily before, like, for example, maintaining a fairly orderly home. I've really let things slide in that regard over the past few months and since I'm one of those people who function best in a well-ordered environment, it has been difficult. However, with this new restlessness that I'm experiencing comes an inability to sit and do nothing, so I decided to at least have something to show for all this freneticism and have begun cleaning out kitchen cabinets like nobody's business! I've found all sorts of things that I thought had mysteriously disappeared, the cabinets are looking great, and hopefully I'll be a more cheerful dinner maker in a more organized space.
My doctor told me that the akathisia should go away in 3 to 4 days. I'm just hoping that I can get the kitchen finished before I lose this new-found energy and maybe the fact that I've made some forward progress will keep me motivated to keep on going with the organizing. I'll keep you posted!
Sunday, July 19, 2009
deja vu toys
This is a basket of board books that I saved from M's toddlerhood. I always loved the way that my mother-in-law had kept some of my husband's toys for her grandkids to play with. I could tell it was really special for J to see his kids playing with the same toys he and his siblings had played with all those years ago and I decided that I would do the same thing. I've got a pretty big age gap between kids (23, 20 & 14). These books are in good condition because they were new to M, my 14 yr. old.; the ones that B and C had were definitely too worn to save! 
These toys are 24 years old and my grandaughter S (babykins) loves playing with them. The little yellow kangaroo toy was given to me at my 1st baby shower. It was my first baby "toy" and it really brought home the fact to me that a baby would soon be living in our house. I would sit and nudge it, listening to the musical chimes inside it over and over. Lifting the lid off of the box they had been stored in was like going back in time. The first thing I did was pick up little kangaroo and listen to those sweet little chimes and when babykins dances to the green radio's tune "Toyland", it's deja-vu, all over again!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
what I like about Houston
My last blog really trashed Houston and, actually I love Houston; I mean I was born and raised here. So, in the spirit of making amends, are some of my Houston likes:
Cicadas ~ lovely, quintessential summer sound
Miller Outdoor Theatre ~ even tho I haven't been since I was a kid, what a cool place to see free outdoor plays during the summer
The beautiful cerulean blue sky
Downtown ~ many, many moons ago I worked in the Chase Tower; was called the Texas Commerce Tower when I was there and I'll never forget working on the 60th-something floor
The Spaghetti Warehouse ~ my first ever alcoholic buzz was experienced here! Not too long ago, J and I took the girls there for dinner, so it's been in my life a loooong time
West I-10 and the new Katy tollway ~ I heart this newly re-engineered road
The huge U.S. and Texas flags along same freeway ~ as I drive toward home on this road, I'm heading due west. I love watching these majestic flags wave from the south during most of the months but during cold spells, they fly so beautifully in the other direction, straight out of the north. There are at least 20 of these beauties, it's really quite cool.
Our mild winters
The Galleria, The Container Store, Anthropologie, Memorial City Mall, etc., etc.
Driving on the 610 loop through the Galleria area at dusk
It's nickname, H-town
How close we are to Galveston ~ what a cool, pirate-y kind of beach town ~ mega memories, the most recent being just two weeks ago when all of us made a trek down for the day!
O.K., that's about it for now. No roaches tonight, so I am feeling very magnanimous (sp?) towards my birthplace. Anyone else out there have Houston "likes"?
Cicadas ~ lovely, quintessential summer sound
Miller Outdoor Theatre ~ even tho I haven't been since I was a kid, what a cool place to see free outdoor plays during the summer
The beautiful cerulean blue sky
Downtown ~ many, many moons ago I worked in the Chase Tower; was called the Texas Commerce Tower when I was there and I'll never forget working on the 60th-something floor
The Spaghetti Warehouse ~ my first ever alcoholic buzz was experienced here! Not too long ago, J and I took the girls there for dinner, so it's been in my life a loooong time
West I-10 and the new Katy tollway ~ I heart this newly re-engineered road
The huge U.S. and Texas flags along same freeway ~ as I drive toward home on this road, I'm heading due west. I love watching these majestic flags wave from the south during most of the months but during cold spells, they fly so beautifully in the other direction, straight out of the north. There are at least 20 of these beauties, it's really quite cool.
Our mild winters
The Galleria, The Container Store, Anthropologie, Memorial City Mall, etc., etc.
Driving on the 610 loop through the Galleria area at dusk
It's nickname, H-town
How close we are to Galveston ~ what a cool, pirate-y kind of beach town ~ mega memories, the most recent being just two weeks ago when all of us made a trek down for the day!
O.K., that's about it for now. No roaches tonight, so I am feeling very magnanimous (sp?) towards my birthplace. Anyone else out there have Houston "likes"?
Sunday, July 12, 2009
hopes for this week
Absolutely sick of triple digit heat. It just drains me and makes me super irritable. Not good for someone who feels like they're on the brink of irritability most of the time these days.
Dad's got two dr. appts. tomorrow that we'll be going to. The first one is the neurologist; I don't think there are any major developments (small insert here ~ just spotted a gigantic tree roach gallopping across carpet and successfully smushed him with flip-flop, those creatures are yet another gross thing about summers in Houston) but there are certainly no improvements to speak of, either.
Then it's on to the eye dr. to see why ever since he's gotten his new glasses, he hasn't been able to see as well. I'll have to ask the neuro. if maybe eye problems could be due to a "mini" stroke that may have occurred.
Anyway, that will take up most of the day on Monday. Crummy way to start the week. It's just depressing and, of course, time consuming. I really hope that Oh crap - roach didn't die!!!!!!!!!
Well, I can't find him and am quasi-phobic about those creatures. Forget planning the week, I'm just going to sit here and type while looking into that corner. Maybe what I saw was, like, his death dance and he's well and truly dead now. omigosh those things are worse than disgusting.
Hubby put chemicals out today all over the yard for ants and fleas (doncha just wanna pack up and move to Houston?!) so this guy must be seeking refuge. Ha. Fat chance.
I'm so mad! I came out to living room to curl up on the sofa with my glass of iced tea next to me (yes, even tho it's late, it's my "treat"), my cozy throw over my legs, dog snoring lightly, prepared to IT'S O.K. --- I JUST TOTALLY KILLED HIM. I used Hubby's Teva this time. Said Teva will stay on top on dead roach til morning when I'll get him to clean it up for me.
O.K., I'm done. I'm not going to edit this blog or anything, just hit publish and be done with it.
Dad's got two dr. appts. tomorrow that we'll be going to. The first one is the neurologist; I don't think there are any major developments (small insert here ~ just spotted a gigantic tree roach gallopping across carpet and successfully smushed him with flip-flop, those creatures are yet another gross thing about summers in Houston) but there are certainly no improvements to speak of, either.
Then it's on to the eye dr. to see why ever since he's gotten his new glasses, he hasn't been able to see as well. I'll have to ask the neuro. if maybe eye problems could be due to a "mini" stroke that may have occurred.
Anyway, that will take up most of the day on Monday. Crummy way to start the week. It's just depressing and, of course, time consuming. I really hope that Oh crap - roach didn't die!!!!!!!!!
Well, I can't find him and am quasi-phobic about those creatures. Forget planning the week, I'm just going to sit here and type while looking into that corner. Maybe what I saw was, like, his death dance and he's well and truly dead now. omigosh those things are worse than disgusting.
Hubby put chemicals out today all over the yard for ants and fleas (doncha just wanna pack up and move to Houston?!) so this guy must be seeking refuge. Ha. Fat chance.
I'm so mad! I came out to living room to curl up on the sofa with my glass of iced tea next to me (yes, even tho it's late, it's my "treat"), my cozy throw over my legs, dog snoring lightly, prepared to IT'S O.K. --- I JUST TOTALLY KILLED HIM. I used Hubby's Teva this time. Said Teva will stay on top on dead roach til morning when I'll get him to clean it up for me.
O.K., I'm done. I'm not going to edit this blog or anything, just hit publish and be done with it.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
maybe you really ARE a vampire!
So, in order to take the prescription drug, Accutane, my 14 yr. old has to have monthly blood tests to make sure she's not pregnant, answer questions online saying that she will not GET pregnant, and bring an 'I Pledge' card to the pharmacy stating, once again, that she is not and will not be getting pregnant. Evidently, there are HUGE risks to an unborn child if the mother is on Accutane, so I applaud the government, drug company, or whomever, for being so vigilent.
It is, however, a hassle. We have to take M in every month for a fasting blood test and within 7 days have to pick up the prescription or else we get 'kicked out' of the program and have to start the process all over again. But, there's a hitch ~ the child has no visible veins. It's crazy but she really doesn't. And, there's more. I loathe getting blood taken, I get all clammy and faint feeling, and panicky to get the needle out and, unfortunately, M's the same way. Combine that with how hard it is for them to find a vein and actually draw it, and you've got drama. Lots of drama.
We went for M's 1st test this past Monday morning but since I let her sleep in, by the time we got to the lab it was already around 10:00 a.m., too late I now know, for someone whose tummy is so empty. After the guy stuck her twice with no luck, poor M's complexion took on a decidedly greenish hue, and I rushed to hold a trash can up by her in case she needed to...you know. It was just awful so we all decided that we'd come back the next morning, earlier this time, and try again. We did just that but again, no luck. The technician (I hate the word phlebotomist) said that M needed to drink tons of water, that maybe that would help. We're under a heat advisory here in Houston so it's quite possible that she was a little dehydrated, making it harder to locate a good vein.
So, once again, after drinking copious amounts of water throughout the preceding day and night, we were back at the lab this morning with high hopes. They tried her arm first. Nada. So then they went to her hand and after a few stress filled minutes, the good old red stuff started to do it's thing. We were all, lab employees included, so glad that it finally worked and that it was over with. It was really pretty funny. Especially when the technician found out that it was a monthly test, and said "Oh hell, you're coming back?!"
As M and I got ready to leave, I was joking, saying how relieved I was that they were able to get blood from her, that I had begun to worry that she really WAS a vampire (during the height of her Twilight obsession, she wanted nothing more). I was just really yukking it up and then realized, one step through the open door of the waiting room, that the room was no longer deserted as it had been when M and I first arrived. Nope. There were about 7 or 8 people sitting in there, privy to all of our crazy goings-on, and my loud declarations about my daughter not being a vampire. I don't embarrass easily anymore but I will say that because of the people's reactions which were none, nada, zilch, just studiously avoiding looking at us, that I did feel a bit uncomfortable. That is until we closed the door behind us and then we couldn't stop laughing, of course.
So, that is my funny blood story. Oh, and I don't know if all that blood talk got us in the mood or what, but guess what movie we watched tonight? Twilight!
It is, however, a hassle. We have to take M in every month for a fasting blood test and within 7 days have to pick up the prescription or else we get 'kicked out' of the program and have to start the process all over again. But, there's a hitch ~ the child has no visible veins. It's crazy but she really doesn't. And, there's more. I loathe getting blood taken, I get all clammy and faint feeling, and panicky to get the needle out and, unfortunately, M's the same way. Combine that with how hard it is for them to find a vein and actually draw it, and you've got drama. Lots of drama.
We went for M's 1st test this past Monday morning but since I let her sleep in, by the time we got to the lab it was already around 10:00 a.m., too late I now know, for someone whose tummy is so empty. After the guy stuck her twice with no luck, poor M's complexion took on a decidedly greenish hue, and I rushed to hold a trash can up by her in case she needed to...you know. It was just awful so we all decided that we'd come back the next morning, earlier this time, and try again. We did just that but again, no luck. The technician (I hate the word phlebotomist) said that M needed to drink tons of water, that maybe that would help. We're under a heat advisory here in Houston so it's quite possible that she was a little dehydrated, making it harder to locate a good vein.
So, once again, after drinking copious amounts of water throughout the preceding day and night, we were back at the lab this morning with high hopes. They tried her arm first. Nada. So then they went to her hand and after a few stress filled minutes, the good old red stuff started to do it's thing. We were all, lab employees included, so glad that it finally worked and that it was over with. It was really pretty funny. Especially when the technician found out that it was a monthly test, and said "Oh hell, you're coming back?!"
As M and I got ready to leave, I was joking, saying how relieved I was that they were able to get blood from her, that I had begun to worry that she really WAS a vampire (during the height of her Twilight obsession, she wanted nothing more). I was just really yukking it up and then realized, one step through the open door of the waiting room, that the room was no longer deserted as it had been when M and I first arrived. Nope. There were about 7 or 8 people sitting in there, privy to all of our crazy goings-on, and my loud declarations about my daughter not being a vampire. I don't embarrass easily anymore but I will say that because of the people's reactions which were none, nada, zilch, just studiously avoiding looking at us, that I did feel a bit uncomfortable. That is until we closed the door behind us and then we couldn't stop laughing, of course.
So, that is my funny blood story. Oh, and I don't know if all that blood talk got us in the mood or what, but guess what movie we watched tonight? Twilight!
Sunday, July 5, 2009
nothing sweet about it and other random thoughts
You know Shakespeare's famous quote...parting is such sweet sorrow? I've said goodbye to my sister today and there's nothing sweet about it. She and the boys have been here for over a week now and now that they've gone, it's back to reality. Back to face all the things that i've let slide, such as: bills, dr. appts., phone calls, laundry, errands. As Snoopy so famously puts it ~ bleeuuchh. Or something like that.
1st random thought: why, when I follow someone's blog, does my profile picture show up as a silhouette instead of the pic that actually shows up on my profile? Also, when you click on that silhouette, my name appears, Denise McAndrews, instead of my cute blog pseudonym (sp?), Jeriden? Even wierder, I followed myself just to see how it all worked and, lo and behold, my regular profile picture showed up, instead of the depressing silhouette. hhhmmm, as hubby likes to say ~ a real head scratcher.
2nd random thought: Jeriden comes from..... Jeri Denise. I'm one of those people whose parents named them knowing full well that they would never go by their actual first name. I grew up hating the sound of "Jeri" basically because if someone called me that, that meant that they didn't know me, and it was probably a teacher or something, AND since I was painfully shy, I probably wouldn't correct them and tell them that I went by my middle name. I certainly don't mind it now, and have learned to love being called "Jeri" because well, just because. Because it's who I am, I guess, and my sweet parents named me that and because when my mom was drifting in and out of consciousness before she died, she didn't ask for Denise, she asked for Jeri Denise and that puts a whole new light on the previously disliked first name, ya know?
3rd and final random thought: I'm so impressed that I figured out how to put a flickr badge on my blog. I don't know that I'll do much with flickr but I think the little blinky badge is adorable!
1st random thought: why, when I follow someone's blog, does my profile picture show up as a silhouette instead of the pic that actually shows up on my profile? Also, when you click on that silhouette, my name appears, Denise McAndrews, instead of my cute blog pseudonym (sp?), Jeriden? Even wierder, I followed myself just to see how it all worked and, lo and behold, my regular profile picture showed up, instead of the depressing silhouette. hhhmmm, as hubby likes to say ~ a real head scratcher.
2nd random thought: Jeriden comes from..... Jeri Denise. I'm one of those people whose parents named them knowing full well that they would never go by their actual first name. I grew up hating the sound of "Jeri" basically because if someone called me that, that meant that they didn't know me, and it was probably a teacher or something, AND since I was painfully shy, I probably wouldn't correct them and tell them that I went by my middle name. I certainly don't mind it now, and have learned to love being called "Jeri" because well, just because. Because it's who I am, I guess, and my sweet parents named me that and because when my mom was drifting in and out of consciousness before she died, she didn't ask for Denise, she asked for Jeri Denise and that puts a whole new light on the previously disliked first name, ya know?
3rd and final random thought: I'm so impressed that I figured out how to put a flickr badge on my blog. I don't know that I'll do much with flickr but I think the little blinky badge is adorable!
Saturday, July 4, 2009
parades, flags, & potato salad 
We did the 4th of July thing today ~ neighborhood parade, hot dogs, hamburgers, flags, fireworks, the whole shebang! (no pun intended). D brought 21 mos. old Sydney over at 8 this morning so we could help decorate her stroller. J and I had gotten up early to make a batch of breakfast tacos for everyone. K, the boys, and Dad were also on hand. It was so fun gobbling down the yummy breakfast, listening to march music on tv, and snapping pictures of Sydney in her red, white, and blue finery. D made the cutest bows and "independence wand" for her. I'm thankful that I've got such a devoted daughter-in-law.
J and I walked with the intrepid parade walkers as far as the official starting point, took lots of pictures, visited with neighbors, and just in general, soaked up all the patriotic ambience. Then we waved bye and hightailed it back home to start getting things ready for our post-parade lunch.
Hubby's grown niece's family came over to join us for lunch and to see K and the boys. There were 15 of us; and with everyone talking at once, was a wee bit chaotic at times but I loved it. The food was great, and the company was even better. It's so fun having a little one around ~ you just sit around and are completely entertained by every little move they make.
After a while, the kids decided to go to the neighborhood pool, and K and I went back over to Dad's to go through boxes. That is still very much a work in progress but I'm proud of what we've been able to do so far.
O.K., it's 10:30 p.m. now and my eyelids are feeling a bit droopy. so, unless Saturday Night Live is really, really funny, and wakes me up, I'm outta here. :)
Monday, June 29, 2009
dazed and awake
I really hope that I'm taking too high a dose of thyroid medication. "Why?", you ask? BeCAUSE, I feel pretty hyper right now, I'm so awake, and it's 12:22 a.m.! Lord, please don't let hubby wake up, walk down that hall and see that not only am I still awake, but...on my laptap!!!! The look he would give me would be awful, as if I don't feel awful enough as it is, right?
I had to go in for a follow-up thyroid appt. last week and got bloodwork done. When I got home today, I saw a little post-it stuck on the oven door saying "call dr. re blood test results". I'll call tomorrow, and please, please, let the medication be too high of a dosage, thereby explaining my wierd hyperness and irritability lately. hhhmmmmm, just figured out ~ if everything's o.k. with medicine, everyone now knows that I'm just an irritable nervous wreck! ha ha!
I really need my rest since tomorrow little sister, K, and I are tackling my dad's dining room. Since moving into this house two years ago, very little, if anything has been gone through, hence dining room table, buffet, china cabinet are squeezed in with an old computer desk, boxes of old '45's, erector sets, piles of old travel magazines, childhood furniture and innumerable other objects. We're taking the kiddos over to my 20 yr. old daughter, C's, brand new apartment where they'll play games, swim in the pool, eat pizza and watch movies and we can get some work done.
Sigh. I really need to get off of here and see if I can find something on the news other than the latest on Michael Jackson's death. Maybe I can find something on insomnia.
I had to go in for a follow-up thyroid appt. last week and got bloodwork done. When I got home today, I saw a little post-it stuck on the oven door saying "call dr. re blood test results". I'll call tomorrow, and please, please, let the medication be too high of a dosage, thereby explaining my wierd hyperness and irritability lately. hhhmmmmm, just figured out ~ if everything's o.k. with medicine, everyone now knows that I'm just an irritable nervous wreck! ha ha!
I really need my rest since tomorrow little sister, K, and I are tackling my dad's dining room. Since moving into this house two years ago, very little, if anything has been gone through, hence dining room table, buffet, china cabinet are squeezed in with an old computer desk, boxes of old '45's, erector sets, piles of old travel magazines, childhood furniture and innumerable other objects. We're taking the kiddos over to my 20 yr. old daughter, C's, brand new apartment where they'll play games, swim in the pool, eat pizza and watch movies and we can get some work done.
Sigh. I really need to get off of here and see if I can find something on the news other than the latest on Michael Jackson's death. Maybe I can find something on insomnia.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Getting ready for sister~ bittersweet
My sister, K, is coming in today! She left Dalton, Georgia yesterday morning with her two boys, W, 13, and S, 10, in their Toyota Four Runner, spent the night in Slidell, LA, and will be here around 2:00!! I saw K in January but haven't seen those precious boys since last summer. I absolutely adore them. K is 6 years younger than me and we're very close. We joke that when we're together we've finally got an entire brain. You know how it is, the older you get and the more crowded your head gets with all kinds of useless minutae, and you've got so much crap on your mind, that the simplest of tasks becomes a behemoth (what a funny word) undertaking? Well, when K and I are together, our brains complement each other and we function like a well oiled machine, getting stuff done left and right! Not only that, but when we DO mess up, who the heck cares?
So, that's the getting ready for sister part. Now here's the bittersweet part. Our mom's gone. She passed away two years ago suddenly, well sort of suddenly. She had been diagnosed with leukemia, was doing pretty well on the chemo but unbeknownst to us, had developed an infection as a byproduce of the chemo and by the time we knew something was wrong, it was too late and she died less than 24 hrs. later.
Mom lived here in Houston, same as me. So when K and the boys would come in, it was the three of us, together, with the kids, all the time. It was heavenly. A true idyll. Hubby just knew he would kind of "lose" me for a week to 10 days while we all made the most out of being together. We'd take the kids on all kinds of neat excursions around town, we'd shop at "cutesy-wutesy" shops, have pajama parties, go out to eat, and, most of all, just talk and laugh and talk and laugh.
This visit will be the easiest yet, since her death, with the first years' visit being practically agonizing and last years' visit only marginally better. I say it will be easier and yet just saying that makes me sick. How can I say anything related to not having my mom anymore and the word "easier" in the same sentence? It's wierd, but in some ways you don't want it to be easier cuz that means that you're getting more used to it and who in the hell wants to get used to not having their mom or dad anymore?
In another way, though, this visit will be more difficult because K and I will be going through a lot of stuff over at Dad's house and will begin the first, tentative, conversations about assisted living of some sort. And boy, is that ever yukky. We're lucky in that Dad has handled his increasing physical limitations with dignity and doesn't pretend that they're not there. It's just heartbreaking, though, to see your dad, your DADDY, for goodness sakes, not only needing your help but also to see the sadness in his eyes that it has come to this. It just sucks. That's all there is to it.
I'm very thankful that I believe in God and I do believe that I'll see Mom again one day, I really do. Without that hope, these last two years would have been unbearable. So, while there will be many sad moments over the next 10 days, what I'll be focusing on is how very blessed I've been to have had my dear sweet mother as long as I did, that I've been able to come to know my dad on so much deeper of a level, that I'll get to be with my awesome nephews, and last, but not least...to be a complete person for the first time since I was last with my sister!!!!
So, that's the getting ready for sister part. Now here's the bittersweet part. Our mom's gone. She passed away two years ago suddenly, well sort of suddenly. She had been diagnosed with leukemia, was doing pretty well on the chemo but unbeknownst to us, had developed an infection as a byproduce of the chemo and by the time we knew something was wrong, it was too late and she died less than 24 hrs. later.
Mom lived here in Houston, same as me. So when K and the boys would come in, it was the three of us, together, with the kids, all the time. It was heavenly. A true idyll. Hubby just knew he would kind of "lose" me for a week to 10 days while we all made the most out of being together. We'd take the kids on all kinds of neat excursions around town, we'd shop at "cutesy-wutesy" shops, have pajama parties, go out to eat, and, most of all, just talk and laugh and talk and laugh.
This visit will be the easiest yet, since her death, with the first years' visit being practically agonizing and last years' visit only marginally better. I say it will be easier and yet just saying that makes me sick. How can I say anything related to not having my mom anymore and the word "easier" in the same sentence? It's wierd, but in some ways you don't want it to be easier cuz that means that you're getting more used to it and who in the hell wants to get used to not having their mom or dad anymore?
In another way, though, this visit will be more difficult because K and I will be going through a lot of stuff over at Dad's house and will begin the first, tentative, conversations about assisted living of some sort. And boy, is that ever yukky. We're lucky in that Dad has handled his increasing physical limitations with dignity and doesn't pretend that they're not there. It's just heartbreaking, though, to see your dad, your DADDY, for goodness sakes, not only needing your help but also to see the sadness in his eyes that it has come to this. It just sucks. That's all there is to it.
I'm very thankful that I believe in God and I do believe that I'll see Mom again one day, I really do. Without that hope, these last two years would have been unbearable. So, while there will be many sad moments over the next 10 days, what I'll be focusing on is how very blessed I've been to have had my dear sweet mother as long as I did, that I've been able to come to know my dad on so much deeper of a level, that I'll get to be with my awesome nephews, and last, but not least...to be a complete person for the first time since I was last with my sister!!!!
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
enough warm and fuzzies
O.K., back to reality with a resounding thud. The only bad part about taking a trip right after school's end is that you never get to feel that lazy, got the whole summer in front of you feeling cuz you've got lists and packing and errands. Unfortunately, we're now back and it's fast and furious on to the next event, which is my sister coming in from Georgia with her two boys. I am ECSTATIC about seeing them and can't wait to spend so much time with them. I just wish I was where I need to be right now as far as organization, errand-running, dr. appt. going, bill paying, house cleaning, etc. goes. You know where I'm coming from, right? We got back Sat. night and Sunday was not only Father's Day but hubby's b-day as well. Soooooo, it wasn't exactly do whatever I want day, now was it? Then yesterday was another vacation day for hubby which turned out great because we spent the day out together shopping for a couple of things for his b-day, had a really nice lunch out, and so on. HowEVER, you got it ~ yet another day where I not only didn't do what I want, but couldn't do what I needed to do which was to begin to instill some kind of order into this post-vacation house. Sooooooo, now it's Tues. morning, he's working, and I can now get down to business and make some serious progress, right? Well, not quite. M's 3rd shot in her gardisil series is at 10:00 at Memorial City Prof. bldg., J's prescription needs to be picked up at dr.'s ofc in Sugarland, and I have got to get back in to see Dr. Joe, my wonderful chiropractor. I know, I could be doing something productive instead of griping about all of this, right? Well, my hope is this: that after getting these frustrations out there for the whole entire world to see (yeah, right ~ my own family doesn't want to hear it, why in the world would some poor person who doesn't have to listen to me, read this? well, that's the beauty of blogging ~ you can convince your poor demented mind that someone, somewhere, is not only reading your whiny little thoughts but is actually paying attention and...empathizing!!) that I'll feel more empowered, more relieved of irritation, and more ready to make progress, which at this stage of the game would make this little old blogger so much happier. I'm also going to do little "breath" prayers today. I think I'll pray "God, please help me to do your will today and remove this anxiety from me." There. I'm going to write this down on a post-it, stick it in my purse pocket and try to say it at least 20 times today. I need to get my focus off of me, that's for sure. Must go now and maybe, God willing, I'll be better later on today whether I get what I think I need to get done or not. I'll letcha know!
Monday, June 22, 2009
Returned and Rejuvenated
The Ranch was awesome and we all returned feeling so relaxed and rejuvenated. What I love about trips like this where you have lots of down time, is that you can sort of "retrieve" some of those feelings when you need them, during high stress times. I can just close my eyes and visualize that I'm laying on a float, feeling the spring-fed pond water lap over me while gazing up at the most beautiful blue sky framed by those beautiful Texas hills. We swam, snorkled, jumped off cliffs (well, some of us did, not moi), hiked, cooked, laughed, ate, and just generally had a wonderful time.
It was absolutely wonderful spending so much time with grandaughter, S. Five whole days!! I still feel wierd saying "my grandaughter" ~ I wonder when I'll get more used to it. I'm certainly used to the love that I feel for her. As with everything else in life, until you experience it, you just consider what other people say about it as so cliched. So, when I would hear other people talk about their grandchildren and how special the relationship was between them, my eyes would just kind of glaze over and I'd go "yeah, yeah, whatever". Well...now it's me doing the crowing and when I see a glaze come over someone else's eyes, I just think "Oh, just you wait and see!".
One of my all-time favorite things that I got to do on this trip? Well, I like to get up a little earlier than most everyone else, creep quietly out to the kitchen and pour myself a cup of coffee. Then I creep quietly back to bed, and nestling in the still-warm spot, open my current book and try to contain my giddyness as I begin this oh-so indulgent ritual, carefully taking my first sip of hot, delicious coffee. Aahhhhhhhhh. Bliss!
It was sad to leave because one more day would've been perfect but since Sunday was Father's Day and J's birthday, we really didn't want to be driving on that day. Monday seemed to be too long so Saturday it was. Hopefully, it won't be another two years before we get to go again!
Monday, June 15, 2009
I just can't wait to get on the road again!!
Getting ready to head out tomorrow to the heart of the Texas Hill Country. Our friend's family have owned a true working ranch about 100 miles west of San Antonio since the 1950s. It is one of the most beautiful places on earth and I can't wait to go.
The first time that I went to the ranch was in 1978 (gasp!) while at college in San Marcos. Being young and stupid, my future husband, J, our friend, R, whose family's ranch it is, another friend and I decided after a night of partying, around 1:00 a.m. to head out to the ranch. Smart, huh? Anyway, I'll never forget how gracious R's parents were about being woken up by 4 goofy, slightly bleary eyed teenagers at 3:30 a.m. They got up, visited with us a while and then after about 30 minutes, the 4 of us crashed while they sat up fully awake. We awoke to the most wonderful morning smell in the world ~ bacon and coffee. Mrs. L. cooked for us all weekend, we swam in the river, oohed and ahhhed at the gorgeous scenery, and left 2 days later rejuvenated and ready for more partying, um, I mean classes and studying. (In our defense, our university, Southwest Texas State, now known as Texas State, was known as the premier partying school in Texas so we were just trying to keep up the image.)
Over the years, as young marrieds, as young parents with our babies, and now as young(ish)grandparents, we have visited the ranch more times than I can count. We've been so blessed to have this sanctuary as part of our and our children's lives. The moment you round the last curve in the rocky one lane "road", cross the shallow river, and see the lovely sprawling stone home on the rise, you just take a deep breath and say "aahhhhhh".
Sadly, Mrs. L. passed away about 4 years ago and Mr. L. retired to Oregon where his two sons live. With Mrs. L. gone, there are no longer flowers growing in the front courtyard or out on the large deck, and many of her beautiful things have been moved by the family to Oregon. That part is very sad to me; she was the epitome of a gracious hostess. That being said, you still feel her presence so much the minute you walk into the ranch house and I know that she would be SO pleased that her legacy of nurturing guests and providing indelible memories lives on!
The ranch is way off the beaten path, no internet service, no cell phone service (aaauuuugggghhhhhh!) so I'll be "unplugged" for a while. I am, however, looking forward to posting pictures and sharing new memories when we do return! Oh, by the way, I love summer :D
The first time that I went to the ranch was in 1978 (gasp!) while at college in San Marcos. Being young and stupid, my future husband, J, our friend, R, whose family's ranch it is, another friend and I decided after a night of partying, around 1:00 a.m. to head out to the ranch. Smart, huh? Anyway, I'll never forget how gracious R's parents were about being woken up by 4 goofy, slightly bleary eyed teenagers at 3:30 a.m. They got up, visited with us a while and then after about 30 minutes, the 4 of us crashed while they sat up fully awake. We awoke to the most wonderful morning smell in the world ~ bacon and coffee. Mrs. L. cooked for us all weekend, we swam in the river, oohed and ahhhed at the gorgeous scenery, and left 2 days later rejuvenated and ready for more partying, um, I mean classes and studying. (In our defense, our university, Southwest Texas State, now known as Texas State, was known as the premier partying school in Texas so we were just trying to keep up the image.)
Over the years, as young marrieds, as young parents with our babies, and now as young(ish)grandparents, we have visited the ranch more times than I can count. We've been so blessed to have this sanctuary as part of our and our children's lives. The moment you round the last curve in the rocky one lane "road", cross the shallow river, and see the lovely sprawling stone home on the rise, you just take a deep breath and say "aahhhhhh".
Sadly, Mrs. L. passed away about 4 years ago and Mr. L. retired to Oregon where his two sons live. With Mrs. L. gone, there are no longer flowers growing in the front courtyard or out on the large deck, and many of her beautiful things have been moved by the family to Oregon. That part is very sad to me; she was the epitome of a gracious hostess. That being said, you still feel her presence so much the minute you walk into the ranch house and I know that she would be SO pleased that her legacy of nurturing guests and providing indelible memories lives on!
The ranch is way off the beaten path, no internet service, no cell phone service (aaauuuugggghhhhhh!) so I'll be "unplugged" for a while. I am, however, looking forward to posting pictures and sharing new memories when we do return! Oh, by the way, I love summer :D
Thursday, June 11, 2009
It worked!
Hey ~ the photo posted! That was so easy. Oh...who is that unbelievably precious child you ask? My grandaughter!!! I'll need daughter-in-law's permission to use her name so for now ~ we'll call her babykins. She's 20 mos. old and so much fun. As I write this post, saying that she's my grandaughter, I still can't quite believe that I've added 'grandmother' to my list of roles in life. Something's just not quite right with this picture. You see, I'm just 17, with long straight hair, killer tan and flat tummy, (and to my great consternation flat chest, also), rocking out to Peter Frampton, washing my hair with Herbal Essence, and beset with a list of insecurities a mile long. Oh my gosh. I just glanced up from where I'm propped up in bed typing and saw my image in my dresser mirror. I truly am that aforementioned girl in my head only. Outward image confirms that I truly am grandmother material. Hhhmmmmm. I guess that's o.k. I mean, the hair and tummy would be great to have back but I don't miss the flat chest and insecurities AND I have my beautiful babykins! In summary, I may not be able to believe sometimes that I truly am 50 (yikes) yrs. old and a grandma, but I'm good with it. Clarification ~ I'm GREAT with it.
Random blogging questions
In case anyone reads this and can help me, please post a comment! I follow several blogs publicly but they don't show up on my profile. The first 3 that I followed did show up, though.
I'm not sure how to add photos so I'm going to experiment here ~
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
School's Out and Austin 300 Cafe
School has been out for the kids since last Thursday but us library ladies had to work extra days doing inventory, etc. Today was our last day!
To celebrate the end of the school year, the four of us went out for a lovely, leisurely lunch out in old town Katy, TX. yesterday. The restaurant is called Austin 300. Most Texans know (or should know!) that this refers to the original 300 settlers that came to stake claims in Texas under the leadership of Stephen F. Austin. The restaurant owner's ancestors were among these first settlers and in Texas, that's practically royalty!!
The restaurant is in a little old house that has been altered very little over the years. None of the walls have been knocked down so there are 3 separate little dining rooms. Very quaint and cozy. The room that we sat in must've been the front parlor because there was a door in it that looked to be the old front door. It was so cool; it reminded me of being in my grandparents' house in Arp, Texas.
Best of all ~ The food was yummy. I had broccoli cheese soup (had a little "kick" in it!), pasta salad and this really cool roasted turkey sandwich with wilted spinach salad on it, cheese, and a very unique, tasty dressing. Omigosh, it was sooooo good. It was super nice to eat out with my school chums :). Our lunches while school is in session are 30 minutes, if that, crowded around a little table in our back storeroom, and punctuated by LOTS of interruptions, so this luncheon was a very special treat and the perfect beginning to our summer. I'm so looking forward to having more time at home for the next couple of months and, hopefully, getting a little more control (ha ha) of things. Famous last words.
To celebrate the end of the school year, the four of us went out for a lovely, leisurely lunch out in old town Katy, TX. yesterday. The restaurant is called Austin 300. Most Texans know (or should know!) that this refers to the original 300 settlers that came to stake claims in Texas under the leadership of Stephen F. Austin. The restaurant owner's ancestors were among these first settlers and in Texas, that's practically royalty!!
The restaurant is in a little old house that has been altered very little over the years. None of the walls have been knocked down so there are 3 separate little dining rooms. Very quaint and cozy. The room that we sat in must've been the front parlor because there was a door in it that looked to be the old front door. It was so cool; it reminded me of being in my grandparents' house in Arp, Texas.
Best of all ~ The food was yummy. I had broccoli cheese soup (had a little "kick" in it!), pasta salad and this really cool roasted turkey sandwich with wilted spinach salad on it, cheese, and a very unique, tasty dressing. Omigosh, it was sooooo good. It was super nice to eat out with my school chums :). Our lunches while school is in session are 30 minutes, if that, crowded around a little table in our back storeroom, and punctuated by LOTS of interruptions, so this luncheon was a very special treat and the perfect beginning to our summer. I'm so looking forward to having more time at home for the next couple of months and, hopefully, getting a little more control (ha ha) of things. Famous last words.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Lovin' summer #1
O.K., I decided to write about something HAPPY for a change cuz really, believe it or not, I'm a very happy, thankful person. It's just that sometimes when things are a little challenging, it's way too easy to get engulfed by negativity. OMIGOSH, here I am supposedly writing a positive, happy post and I'm talking about negativity. Enough already. Onward ~ on to happy, uplifting thoughts.
It's Saturday morning and I've just returned from a nice walk at the 1/4 mile track of our neighborhood elementary school. Such a sweet place to walk; in the middle of the track is the big playground equipment, baseball backstops, basketball court, benches, etc. and if I let myself, I can go back in time and envision all my sweet babies ~ son, B 23yrs.,daughter C 20yrs. and daughter M 14 yrs., at various ages and stages at the playground. Lovely, lovely memories. So I'm walking and it's 87degrees at 10:30 a.m. BUT (and this is a BIG but!), the humidity is only 38%!!!!! For Houston, in June, that is absolutely phenomonal. So, it's hot but there's a little breeze and if you step in the shade, you actually feel cooler.
I've got my IPOD going, of course, and today it's all about America, the band. When I walk in the middle of the day like this and it's hot, I love listening to "A Horse With No Name". I'm not in the suburbs of Houston anymore; I'm walking in a desert and it feels good to get out in the sun. There are certain songs that I only listen to in the summer and this is one of them. Some others are anything Peter Frampton, Santana, and Jump by Van Halen. I know, I really must broaden my music horizons some but you have to admit, 70's music was and is pretty darn awesome.
I've been exercising a bit more lately ~ swimsuits, bare arms...you know the deal. It always amazes me when I've actually been able to walk and work out with my little weights here at the house how much better I feel. Mostly what feels better is my mind, my outlook. What I think I've figured out is that when I do something as seemingly little as get out of the house and walk for a mile several times a week, or pick up a weight and do some curls while watching t.v., I know that that positive action that I took FOR ME is something that can't be taken away from me or be "undone". For example, think, dear sisters, ~ housework. In the space of a day, all the straightening that we've done the day before can be for naught and yes, the bathroom is shiny and clean today but in two days time, you'd want to freshen it up a bit if company came over. (At least I would, cuz the girls' bathroom is, unfortunately, the guest bathroom). Don't even get me started on cooking and the kitchen. Get caught up on bills and paperwork, let it go for 2 or 3 days and there you are, sitting at the desk again, trying to get back to square 1 and don't even get me started on groceries, cooking, and the kitchen! BUT, a couple of days after exercising, that benefit is still there, and if you do it again then you're building on what was there before, not just catching up to where it ought to be, only to see it slowly come "undone" again.
So, there you go, this is but one component of my current happiness ~ the walk was rejuvenating because of just being outside, feeling the dry breeze, and reveling in God's creation; but, to feel these 50 year old muscles actually being USED, not atrophying, that's good stuff. And, oh yeah, anything to diminish the loathed "muffin top" and firm up the not so firm butt is definitely reason to be happy!! :)
It's Saturday morning and I've just returned from a nice walk at the 1/4 mile track of our neighborhood elementary school. Such a sweet place to walk; in the middle of the track is the big playground equipment, baseball backstops, basketball court, benches, etc. and if I let myself, I can go back in time and envision all my sweet babies ~ son, B 23yrs.,daughter C 20yrs. and daughter M 14 yrs., at various ages and stages at the playground. Lovely, lovely memories. So I'm walking and it's 87degrees at 10:30 a.m. BUT (and this is a BIG but!), the humidity is only 38%!!!!! For Houston, in June, that is absolutely phenomonal. So, it's hot but there's a little breeze and if you step in the shade, you actually feel cooler.
I've got my IPOD going, of course, and today it's all about America, the band. When I walk in the middle of the day like this and it's hot, I love listening to "A Horse With No Name". I'm not in the suburbs of Houston anymore; I'm walking in a desert and it feels good to get out in the sun. There are certain songs that I only listen to in the summer and this is one of them. Some others are anything Peter Frampton, Santana, and Jump by Van Halen. I know, I really must broaden my music horizons some but you have to admit, 70's music was and is pretty darn awesome.
I've been exercising a bit more lately ~ swimsuits, bare arms...you know the deal. It always amazes me when I've actually been able to walk and work out with my little weights here at the house how much better I feel. Mostly what feels better is my mind, my outlook. What I think I've figured out is that when I do something as seemingly little as get out of the house and walk for a mile several times a week, or pick up a weight and do some curls while watching t.v., I know that that positive action that I took FOR ME is something that can't be taken away from me or be "undone". For example, think, dear sisters, ~ housework. In the space of a day, all the straightening that we've done the day before can be for naught and yes, the bathroom is shiny and clean today but in two days time, you'd want to freshen it up a bit if company came over. (At least I would, cuz the girls' bathroom is, unfortunately, the guest bathroom). Don't even get me started on cooking and the kitchen. Get caught up on bills and paperwork, let it go for 2 or 3 days and there you are, sitting at the desk again, trying to get back to square 1 and don't even get me started on groceries, cooking, and the kitchen! BUT, a couple of days after exercising, that benefit is still there, and if you do it again then you're building on what was there before, not just catching up to where it ought to be, only to see it slowly come "undone" again.
So, there you go, this is but one component of my current happiness ~ the walk was rejuvenating because of just being outside, feeling the dry breeze, and reveling in God's creation; but, to feel these 50 year old muscles actually being USED, not atrophying, that's good stuff. And, oh yeah, anything to diminish the loathed "muffin top" and firm up the not so firm butt is definitely reason to be happy!! :)
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
same song, millionth verse
No surprise at all but still disheartening. It's happened AGAIN. The day has slipped away and what I wanted to accomplish to help me feel more in control, make progress, etc. of COURSE hasn't happened. It wouldn't be so frustrating but, seriously, it's the story of my life. I know, I know. Kids are relatively healthy, husband loves me, I have my health, house isn't flooded, blah, blah, blah. But still ~ this kind of feeling day after day after day can really start to wear you down, piss you off and make you feel kinda bitter. I just wanted to balance my checkbook, right? After I do that, I then know that I'm working with exactly the right amount and unfortunately any little mistake of a few hundred $ makes a difference, especially now. So, here's my sob story: 6:50 take M to school, stop off at pharmacy on way home to p/u medicine, problem, of course, and have to wait, home to eat b-fast, start on statement but saw notes to self that I keep putting off, make those phone calls and gosh!! Time for chiro. appt., had to do ultrasound and other thingys separately so took longer, home, kitchen depressingly dirty so clean it, sit down to do stmt., one of the "duty" calls I made earlier calls back & chat for a bit, go with hubby to drop off truck with broken horn, back home, make time for lunch & conversation with hubby since I'm starting to feel frustration from him creeping in, M calls from school hysterical cuz I forgot to e-mail teacher with project questions and now she's got a zero, hang, up e-mail teacher as well as counselor after agonizing over verbage, FINALLY finish reconciling bank stmt. to checkbook only to find that they don't balance, time to go p/u M, take papers with me to work on while waiting in the p/u line, M sulks all the way home due to forgotten e-mail, back home to go thru stmt. item by item to find problem, and now...you guessed it ~ I'm doing this!! Hhmmmm, maybe some of it's in my control, after all. Nah, it's all someone else's fault, definitely not mine and besides, like Scarlett O'Hara says "Tomorrow is another day."
Sunday, May 31, 2009
dances and depression
In my daughter's jr. hi school, it's grades 6, 7, & 8. It's a tradition to have an 8th grade dance, at the end of every school year, that's really much more than just a dance. We (the PTA moms) started planning it back before Christmas, let the students vote on the theme ~ A Night in Paris, and did everything imaginable to raise $ for this thing. It's the most involved I've ever been in any of my kids' dances. My 23 year old son, B, and 20 yr. old daughter C, both had dances at the school and I was just marginally involved. Figures that this one that I've invested so much time, effort and emotion into turned out to be a very sad and potentially troubling experience for my 14 yr. old daughter, M. I'm just heartbroken about the whole thing, worried and plain p----- off, too. Anyone happening to read this epistle will get bored but to actually put all this down in writing, I believe, will help me deal with my disappointment and, more importantly, my fears and concerns for my daughter.
O.K., so the dance was last night and it was just beautiful. All the moms that showed up last night to chaperone and that hadn't seen the decorations yet were bowled over, dads too. I made husband J come up to the school to see it and he was suitably impressed. Even said that my descriptions didn't do it justice (he doesn't say stuff like that very often so this is a very telling statement!).
M is a girly girl when it comes to makeup and clothes; she literally started thinking about what kind of dress she wanted for the 8th grade dance back in 7th grade. To say that she's been excited about this dance is a hugh understatement. She's seen older sis's pictures of her 8th grade dance and she's totally on board with it all. I'm somewhat chagrined to say that, over time, the preparations for this dance, as far as the girls go, almost rival those being made by the high schoolers for prom, homecoming, etc. I'm talking mani-pedi, eyebrow wax, semi up-do for hair, White House/Black Market dress (bought for a song back in January on clearance), the whole shebang. I know it's really too much but for me it was worth it when on the way to the dance last night, M tearfully told me that she had never felt as pretty as she did right then.
So, you might be thinking, what's wrong with this picture? Sounds like things were going pretty well, huh? Well, I'm going to digress from the dance stuff for a little bit. Caution: it gets a bit more serious here.
O.K., so my family has this genetic thing going on - I believe the politically correct term for it now is "chemical imbalance". There are so many people in our family that have been affected by different nuances of this insidious affliction. But this is the one that is currently breaking my heart. Older bro and sis have had problems (understatement!!) with chem. inbalances in different ways but we all hoped baby sis would be spared. She is the most outgoing, cheerful, and dramatic of the 3 and it seemed that luck was on our side, for the first 12 years, at least. However, my mom died suddenly 2 years ago (another blog, another day) and this sent little M into a downward spiral that manifested itself in panic attacks. e.g., several times she was convinced that I had died while out running errands when she couldn't reach me on my cell. In between classes in school she would hide out in bathroom stall and text me making sure I was o.k. Over time, the anxiety became cloaked in depression. Counselling ensued for several months and then our therapist (a true godsend of a woman) told us that what she could do for M had pretty much been tapped out and her professional opinion was that we should see a psychiatrist for evaluation. I'd been down this road before with B and C so, unlike some parents, I didn't freak out and think "Oh no, I can't put my child on psychiatric medications". Oh, no, here's what I thought ~ "Yep, we've done as much as we can with counseling; bring on the drugs, baby!"
Soooo, where the heck am I going with all this? Well, the drugs gave me back my little girl. A few weeks after beginning treatment, M told me that she had no idea how bad off she really was until the meds enabled her to feel like herself again. Thinking back on how narrow and constricted her life had become prior to getting help, I thank God for all the medical advances in this field.
However, over time, the meds weren't working as well, very common with growing adolescents and in general with adults too. Some tweaks were made and it was better for a while but then a few weeks ago, her depression sank to a level that I can only describe as frightening. When your precious little girl says to you "If someone gave me the choice right now to live or die, I'd choose to die", you start thinking omg, omg, Lord ~ HELP! Where do I go, what do I do? But it's imperative to stay calm and don't show your child that you're freaked out. Then my sweet little girl asked if I would take her anywhere she wanted to go. Cautiously, I said yes, not having any idea of what she was going to say next. She said "Will you take me somewhere where people can help me?". So that's what I did. I knew from experiences with B that I did not want to take her to one certain psych. hospital here but knew of another one that two friends had had experience with and spoke well of. So, after a phone call to M's shocked dad, letting him know what was going on, we were on our way and she was admitted to the psych. hospital. After 6 days, she was released and then followed up with 5 days of outpatient care. Thank the Lord that the new meds and around the clock availability of professional help helped pull her out of her despondency. It's still very much a work in progress, as it always is with mental illness but it's getting better. Well, I should say it was getting better. We're on high alert again now. Read on, dear reader.
O.K., so the dance was last night and it was just beautiful. All the moms that showed up last night to chaperone and that hadn't seen the decorations yet were bowled over, dads too. I made husband J come up to the school to see it and he was suitably impressed. Even said that my descriptions didn't do it justice (he doesn't say stuff like that very often so this is a very telling statement!).
M is a girly girl when it comes to makeup and clothes; she literally started thinking about what kind of dress she wanted for the 8th grade dance back in 7th grade. To say that she's been excited about this dance is a hugh understatement. She's seen older sis's pictures of her 8th grade dance and she's totally on board with it all. I'm somewhat chagrined to say that, over time, the preparations for this dance, as far as the girls go, almost rival those being made by the high schoolers for prom, homecoming, etc. I'm talking mani-pedi, eyebrow wax, semi up-do for hair, White House/Black Market dress (bought for a song back in January on clearance), the whole shebang. I know it's really too much but for me it was worth it when on the way to the dance last night, M tearfully told me that she had never felt as pretty as she did right then.
So, you might be thinking, what's wrong with this picture? Sounds like things were going pretty well, huh? Well, I'm going to digress from the dance stuff for a little bit. Caution: it gets a bit more serious here.
O.K., so my family has this genetic thing going on - I believe the politically correct term for it now is "chemical imbalance". There are so many people in our family that have been affected by different nuances of this insidious affliction. But this is the one that is currently breaking my heart. Older bro and sis have had problems (understatement!!) with chem. inbalances in different ways but we all hoped baby sis would be spared. She is the most outgoing, cheerful, and dramatic of the 3 and it seemed that luck was on our side, for the first 12 years, at least. However, my mom died suddenly 2 years ago (another blog, another day) and this sent little M into a downward spiral that manifested itself in panic attacks. e.g., several times she was convinced that I had died while out running errands when she couldn't reach me on my cell. In between classes in school she would hide out in bathroom stall and text me making sure I was o.k. Over time, the anxiety became cloaked in depression. Counselling ensued for several months and then our therapist (a true godsend of a woman) told us that what she could do for M had pretty much been tapped out and her professional opinion was that we should see a psychiatrist for evaluation. I'd been down this road before with B and C so, unlike some parents, I didn't freak out and think "Oh no, I can't put my child on psychiatric medications". Oh, no, here's what I thought ~ "Yep, we've done as much as we can with counseling; bring on the drugs, baby!"
Soooo, where the heck am I going with all this? Well, the drugs gave me back my little girl. A few weeks after beginning treatment, M told me that she had no idea how bad off she really was until the meds enabled her to feel like herself again. Thinking back on how narrow and constricted her life had become prior to getting help, I thank God for all the medical advances in this field.
However, over time, the meds weren't working as well, very common with growing adolescents and in general with adults too. Some tweaks were made and it was better for a while but then a few weeks ago, her depression sank to a level that I can only describe as frightening. When your precious little girl says to you "If someone gave me the choice right now to live or die, I'd choose to die", you start thinking omg, omg, Lord ~ HELP! Where do I go, what do I do? But it's imperative to stay calm and don't show your child that you're freaked out. Then my sweet little girl asked if I would take her anywhere she wanted to go. Cautiously, I said yes, not having any idea of what she was going to say next. She said "Will you take me somewhere where people can help me?". So that's what I did. I knew from experiences with B that I did not want to take her to one certain psych. hospital here but knew of another one that two friends had had experience with and spoke well of. So, after a phone call to M's shocked dad, letting him know what was going on, we were on our way and she was admitted to the psych. hospital. After 6 days, she was released and then followed up with 5 days of outpatient care. Thank the Lord that the new meds and around the clock availability of professional help helped pull her out of her despondency. It's still very much a work in progress, as it always is with mental illness but it's getting better. Well, I should say it was getting better. We're on high alert again now. Read on, dear reader.
Prior to everything going to hell in a handbasket (my grandma used to say that) M had spearheaded plans for a big group of girls to go out to eat and then travel to the dance together. However, the girls all made other plans while M was away from school (a total of about12 days) since they didn't know when or if M would be coming back to school. Very understandable. Unfortunately, though, M didn't find out that she was now "groupless" (a fate worse than death when it comes to the 8th grade dance) until the day before she was set to go back to school which was two days before the dance. Definitely not what was needed at that time. That in itself wasn't horrible but it set off a string of things being said, looks being exchanged, stories being told, etc. One girl was angry because M didn't return her texts while she was out, not realizing, of course, what M was going through (and even adults, if they or a family member, havn't experienced some kind of depression or anxiety disorder, really don't understand), another told M that she could go with their new group but she couldn't sit at their table with them because restaurants charge more for larger groups! Well, you get the picture. Just a bunch of silly girls, mine included, with hurt feelings, insecurities, and lots of cluelessness. Normally, I wouldn't think twice about this kind of thing; I mean, I listen to M and all that but don't get emotionally invested like this time. Anyway, M was able to find another couple of kids to go to the dance with and all seemed pretty o.k. BUT, M came to find me about 30 minutes after the dance had begun (I was busy collecting tickets from incoming students) and she was shaking with emotion, eyes brimming over, saying that they were ignoring her and saying things that weren't true, you know ~ girl stuff. I did the tough love thing and told her don't be ridiculous, don't give anyone the power to ruin such a special night, blah, blah, blah. I mean, you have to at least try that tactic first, right? Well, 10 minutes later with the aforementioned girls huddling in the restroom, whispering who knows what, and M emotionally overwrought, I took her home.
It was just so darn sad because our 30 yr. old school truly did evoke feelings of Paris, with a giant Eiffel tower, park benches, trees, fairy lights, and pots and pots of geranium tissue flowers in the gym where the dancing took place. Best Buy had donated game systems like Guitar Hero, Wii, etc. (a big hit with the boys); there were giant inflatable jousting rings, bouncy toys and a cafeteria that really did make kids feel like they were sitting in an outside Paris cafe, complete with sultry Edith Piaf music! Outside, when the kids approached the school, there was an Orient Express styled train car that devoted dads had built complete with windows and little lamps in each window and that's where we collected the tickets. It was all just so awesome. My daughter and I slipped out a side door and drove away, leaving the dance behind us, and me to begin watching M like a hawk all over again, praying that the experience won't trigger another frightening episode and chalking up one more experience to the demon of mental illness.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
what am I doing?
Seriously? Who in the world do I think I am? Certainly not a blogger. All I know is that if anyone in my immediate family knew that I was sitting here "blogging", of all things, they would a) laugh hysterically (my 20 and 23 yr. olds), b) be embarrassed (my 14 yr. old) or c) figure out a way to sabotage my new laptop so I'll stop this nonsense (my husband). Anyway, I'm more than just a mom, grandmom, and wife and if this is what I want to do, dadgummit, I'm gonna do it. So there.
Great blog, huh?
Great blog, huh?
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