I try to live a somewhat normal life, feel like myself (sort of), go to little shops that have what I call cutesy-wutesy stuff, plan a craft, try to get organized, and then I go see Dad in the rehabilitation center and everything goes to hell in a handbasket (East Texas slang for "it all went to s---).
Starting last Monday, Dad's personality has changed/shifted (very common in Binswanger's Disease) and it's a real struggle to stay "up" around him. Last Tuesday he had forgotten that I had come to see him twice the day before and he said he was not happy, not happy at all, that there was nothing "family" about him being there, he never saw me, etc. I told him I had been there twice the day before and that I was so sorry that he was in this situation. He sort of just "deflated" and said, "I know, Honey, you're doing all that you can and then more".
I am exhausted, worn out, always feel so torn. I feel myself, as I'm walking into Grace Care Center, "girding" myself with a protective shield as I come closer and closer to his room, never knowing quite what I'll find. Will he be sitting in his wheelchair valiantly trying to feed himself, will he be sitting out by the nurses station because he has fallen recently and they're wanting to keep an eye on him, will he be curled up on the top of the bed fully dressed, will he be in physical therapy, gamely trying to do his assigned exercises? Rest assured, whichever of these scenarios it turns out to be, my heart breaks a little more as I mentally reinforce my protective shield and brightfully, cheerfully, say "Well, hey there, Dad - it's so good to see you!"
Must go now because as I write this, tears are overflowing, stomach is clinched, and I know I need to quickly do a few things around the house, shower, and then get up to see him. It has, after all, been almost 15 hours since I last visited.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Enough dreariness already!
When will this cold, dreary, yukky Houston weather go away? It's even worse because in between bouts of rain and 20 degree weather, we'll have a "tease" day, where there's not a cloud in the gorgeous blue sky, the wind chimes are tinkling merrily (instead of angrily crashing about in cruel north winds), and the pansies are lifting their sweet little faces, being kissed by the sun. And even those days are tainted, somewhat, knowing that another mean squall is on the way. Oh, well. Before you know it, it'll be summer, and I'll be griping because of the heat.
Something fun I did recently just for myself - there's a wonderful little shop in Katy (a little town west of Houston which as the years have passed, just blends right into our far west suburbs) called The Shop on Third. I had about a 1/2 hour before I needed to be at M's school to pick her up and I was feeling pretty low; it was the 4 year anniv. of my mom's death and that, combined with watching my sweet daddy struggling with physical therapy that morning, had taken it's toll on me. I thought what would Mama do if she was depressed? I know ~ go shopping!
What's so cool about The Shop on Third is that it is one of the oldest houses in Katy and when the resourceful owners bought it, they kept it just as it was; they didn't knock any walls down or anything, so you really feel like you're in this late 1800 farmhouse. The kitchen is my favorite - lots of antiques mixed with new stuff and it's all kitchen themed. The bedrooms have great bedroomish type stuff - great antique furniture, mirrors, old hatboxes, you name it. And the porch - omigosh! It wraps around on both sides and they've got all kinds of old farm equipment repurposed, old screen doors with adorable stuff hanging on them, watercans, etc.
I'm hoping they'll let me snap some pix next time I go and I'll do a photo blog of it. Words just don't do it justice. And what lovely things did I come away with? A new decorative oval bowl type thing on a pedastal (I bought some lovely spheres on sale yesterday at Pier 1 for it), an old children's telescope case, and wierdest of all - an old prescription bottle of ear drops dated 1953 from a Katy drugstore and a little bottle, about 1 1/2" tall labeled "Tips" - "for smokers, alcoholic", it's contains chlorophyll (!) and mint and it's from the "Tipsco" company in Hewlett, NY. I know. I'm wierd. I have no idea what I'll ever do with the things but they were $3.00 each and, you know what? It made me happy and that is what I had hoped for when I walked through the doors of The Shop on Third! I'd love to hear from anyone out there has ever bought something "wierd" that they're kind of embarrassed about (no, no, no, not that kind of stuff!). You know what they say - there's comfort in numbers!
Something fun I did recently just for myself - there's a wonderful little shop in Katy (a little town west of Houston which as the years have passed, just blends right into our far west suburbs) called The Shop on Third. I had about a 1/2 hour before I needed to be at M's school to pick her up and I was feeling pretty low; it was the 4 year anniv. of my mom's death and that, combined with watching my sweet daddy struggling with physical therapy that morning, had taken it's toll on me. I thought what would Mama do if she was depressed? I know ~ go shopping!
What's so cool about The Shop on Third is that it is one of the oldest houses in Katy and when the resourceful owners bought it, they kept it just as it was; they didn't knock any walls down or anything, so you really feel like you're in this late 1800 farmhouse. The kitchen is my favorite - lots of antiques mixed with new stuff and it's all kitchen themed. The bedrooms have great bedroomish type stuff - great antique furniture, mirrors, old hatboxes, you name it. And the porch - omigosh! It wraps around on both sides and they've got all kinds of old farm equipment repurposed, old screen doors with adorable stuff hanging on them, watercans, etc.
I'm hoping they'll let me snap some pix next time I go and I'll do a photo blog of it. Words just don't do it justice. And what lovely things did I come away with? A new decorative oval bowl type thing on a pedastal (I bought some lovely spheres on sale yesterday at Pier 1 for it), an old children's telescope case, and wierdest of all - an old prescription bottle of ear drops dated 1953 from a Katy drugstore and a little bottle, about 1 1/2" tall labeled "Tips" - "for smokers, alcoholic", it's contains chlorophyll (!) and mint and it's from the "Tipsco" company in Hewlett, NY. I know. I'm wierd. I have no idea what I'll ever do with the things but they were $3.00 each and, you know what? It made me happy and that is what I had hoped for when I walked through the doors of The Shop on Third! I'd love to hear from anyone out there has ever bought something "wierd" that they're kind of embarrassed about (no, no, no, not that kind of stuff!). You know what they say - there's comfort in numbers!
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Hello!
I'm trying anything and everything to try to find more of a sense of self lately. I recently bought a copy of the latest "Where Women Create" magazine, which is like the balm of gilead to my bruised soul and went online to read some of the creative, inspiring women's blogs/websites. This got me to thinking that I'd give blogging a go again for a while.
Before, I was so self conscious and was also going through some pretty wierd times, medication-wise. I'm afraid I went a little bonkers and left the real world for a while and lived in blog-land. This did not go over very well with hubby and, eventually, I came back "to" and left blogging behind.
I'm hoping that I can keep it all in perspective this time and that maybe blogging will help me on my journey to find myself again. Between mid-life changes (yes, the big M has hit me and I'm struggling with all kinds of new-found wierd things that my body has decided to do, will write about all that in a later post - wheee, can't wait, huh?), my dad's declining health and being in the bizarre role of complete decision maker and care-taker for him (oh so sad and so many emotions) AND having my wonderful, but, ADULT, kids move back home, I'm so out of touch with the Denise of old, that it's really kind of scary.
So, I'm back for a bit, and I'm going to pretend that there areall these lovely, lovely, women out there, struggling with similar things, or maybe not even struggling at all, that will be let me vent to them, and maybe even share some of their own stories. Because without my friends in real life, sharing their ups and downs, I know my journey would be much more difficult.
And now - I must put on my "game face" for it is Super Bowl Sunday and my adorable husband deserves a showered, cheerful, wife with which to watch the one game a year that I share with him :). Ciao.
Before, I was so self conscious and was also going through some pretty wierd times, medication-wise. I'm afraid I went a little bonkers and left the real world for a while and lived in blog-land. This did not go over very well with hubby and, eventually, I came back "to" and left blogging behind.
I'm hoping that I can keep it all in perspective this time and that maybe blogging will help me on my journey to find myself again. Between mid-life changes (yes, the big M has hit me and I'm struggling with all kinds of new-found wierd things that my body has decided to do, will write about all that in a later post - wheee, can't wait, huh?), my dad's declining health and being in the bizarre role of complete decision maker and care-taker for him (oh so sad and so many emotions) AND having my wonderful, but, ADULT, kids move back home, I'm so out of touch with the Denise of old, that it's really kind of scary.
So, I'm back for a bit, and I'm going to pretend that there areall these lovely, lovely, women out there, struggling with similar things, or maybe not even struggling at all, that will be let me vent to them, and maybe even share some of their own stories. Because without my friends in real life, sharing their ups and downs, I know my journey would be much more difficult.
And now - I must put on my "game face" for it is Super Bowl Sunday and my adorable husband deserves a showered, cheerful, wife with which to watch the one game a year that I share with him :). Ciao.
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