Out of Step

18th day of dad being in a hospital. What's really wierd is when I leave and go home and I feel so out of place. A lot of times I go somewhere to decompress before going home. We've had some beautiful weather here in Houston lately and I'm such a flower/garden geek that those are the kind of places I've been choosing to go to. This is a lovely place that I literally stumbled upon on my way to pick up daughter, Meg, from school one day. It's Nelson's Water Gardens in Katy, Texas and, my gosh, I felt like Alice in Wonderland when I walked through their shop and went out back. They have these magnificent 5 ft. wind chimes that make the most beautiful, deep, zen-like gong noises. There was an almost constant breeze and everywhere you looked, there were these beautiful, tranquil fountains.

Really, it was exactly what I needed to erase all the beeps, smells, and sights from ICU for a little while and be able to re-enter "regular" life for a little while before going back the next morning.

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WWDD or What Would Dad (want me to) Do?

10th day in intensive care with my dad. Acute renal failure brought us in, brought on by bladder cancer. He has so many different issues going on at the same time that treating him is a real challenge. I want, so desperately, to know what he would want me to do if he had all his faculties about him. The thing about hospitalizations with him is that every time he goes in for something, his vascular dementia gets exponentially worse til he gets back to the rehab facility which, sad to say (or thankfully, depends on which way you look at it) is like home to him right now. So do I opt for 5 weeks of radiation which would mean staying down here in the Texas Medical Center til treatment was done? And this is only if the infection in his left kidney can be lessened by a bigger tube that they're about to insert here in about an hour or so. Or do I "throw in the towel" as one doctor so hurtfully said? When the folks in Palliative Care talk to me, they say I need to do what Dad would want me to do and that there's a lot to be said for "comfort care". Dad does have a Directive to Physicians but it's a pretty broad document and mostly references life support, not really answering my dilemma of what to do right now. Decisions really don't get much harder than this.